I'm on a mission... And a bit like the Terminator I cannot be stopped!

Since last October I've been trying to learn how to teach English to foreigners.  I thought it would be much easier than it is.  I'm a native speaker so I thought I knew all there was to know about English.  Unfortunately, English is a bit like a mobile phone, I only know how to use it, I don't know what all the bits are called inside it and how any of it actually works.  In other words, I knew how to speak, but I didn't know what I was saying.

So for the last few months, I've been learning the language back to front.  Basically just saying things, and then having people tell me what I've just said, what tense I've used etc.  A lot of the students know the names for the parts of the language better than I do, because that's how they've learned it.  I myself learned it mostly by small corrections, by saying things like 'I buyed it' and being told 'No, you bought it!'.  Millions of small corrections just like that.

Anyway, despite the fact that I've been told that the most difficult part of learning any second language is understanding jokes in that language, that hasn't discouraged me from my personal mission of trying to teach English through telling jokes.  This has mostly gone really badly, in that after every joke I've told, there has been only silence.  Sometimes a very confused silence at that.  Some of this has been because I didn't choose my target audience carefully enough.  Attempting to tell jokes to a group of 17 absolute beginners, well all I can say is 'They were a tough crowd'.  And then yesterday I had a breakthrough.  I made an Argentinian laugh!  Twice!  And then today a Polish person once!  Although to be fair, his was a delayed reaction, and he could have been laughing at the silence in the room.

Next week I'm starting on the CELTA course.  It's a very intensive 4 week course, and the point of it is to receive an internationally recognised qualification to teach English to speakers of other languages.  Everyone I've spoken to who has ever done it, tell me how absolutely rock solid it is, and how most people on the course will cry at some point, and occasionally participants will go off screaming into orbit like a misguided satellite from all the stress.  People tell me I'll be lucky to survive....

Why do I even want to teach English?  I think because it's the most brilliant and colourful and amazing language, and ever since I learned to use it I've been fascinated by it.  And above all I love using it in new and creative ways.  And if I could convey just 1% of my passion and enthusiasm for it to others, then it will probably be worth it.

I've spent a lot of this week searching for things that I find hilarious on the internet, with the express purpose of relaying this hilarity to blank faced groups of non-English speakers.  After I've told each joke, I take a pause to let the silence really kick in, and then I go on to try and explain why it's funny.  I rarely succeed, but that doesn't mean I'm giving up.

Anyway, here are some of my absolute side-splitting favourites.  I hope you like them.  In case you think I was just being not funny for the sake of it, I wasn't.  I was being not funny in order to explain various parts of the language, including phrasal verbs, idioms and collocation.  So I wasn't just not being understood, I was not being understood for a reason.

I saw a TV for sale in a shop window. It was going cheap because the volume knob was broken.

I thought to myself 'Wow, I can't turn that down!'.

A big hole in the ground has mysteriously opened up in the centre of Leeds.

Local police are looking into it.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains.

Doctor: Pull yourself together!

Why did the deep-sea diver find it hard to trust the people he worked with?

Because he was always being let down by his colleagues.

What training do you need to be a rubbish collector?

None, you just pick it up as you go along

Why don't baby birds disagree while they're all in the nest together?

Because they don't want to fall out.

I couldn’t remember the best way to throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

Student: I'm sorry I'm late for college, I broke my foot on the way in.
Teacher: That's a lame excuse!

What’s the definition of a will? It's a dead give-away.

Why did the burglar take a shower? He wanted to make a clean getaway.

I’ve spilt glue all over my autobiography. At least that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I couldn't believe my dad had been stealing all the safety notices from work, but when I got home all the signs were there.

My physiotherapist says I’m getting taller, but I think he’s just pulling my leg.

I tried cooking something from the ‘Titanic Cookbook’; it was a recipe for disaster, but it did go down well.

Apparently you can use matchsticks to help you stay awake; now that’s a real eye-opener.

Staring at the back of a computer monitor is pointless; it's always best to look on the bright side.

Finding out how to preserve pork with salt has really saved my bacon.

I think I might have food poisoning. I just have this gut feeling.

I can remember really important dates, such as 1066, but the rest is history.

I tried to set up the Déjà Vu Travel Company, but it wasn't very successful. People said they'd seen it all before.

I've been doing a survey to find out what people think of their wristwatches. So far it's been going like clockwork.

Why did the penguin jump up and down at the party?
He was trying to break the ice.

Someone broke into my house, and left me some modelling clay. I don't know what to make of it.

I bought my wife a wooden leg for Christmas. It's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

I hope you liked them, and more importantly I hope you're now rolling around on the floor unable to breathe from all the laughter.  If you're not, try telling them to another English person you know.  You could also try telling them to someone who is learning English as a foreign language, but if you do, don't be surprised if there's only silence......